Alexandra is slightly older, around 30. She wears a dress and is barefoot with her hair done and barely there makeup. She holds a crumpled paper in her hand and faces sideways at a mirror near the wings. She has a nervous appearance and slightly shaky hands.

Okay Lex, you can do this. Just practice what you want to say and he’ll listen. Just read what’s on the paper and you’ll be fine.

She begins to read what’s on the paper and starts out with a shaky voice, but as she continues to read her voice becomes more clear.

I never wanted to say this directly to your face. I never wanted to look into your eyes and tell you the absolute truth; my deepest, darkest, most hidden secret. I didn’t think I would be able to hold your hand and feel as if my whole world belongs to you. I didn’t know if I could face you and speak the words that I’ve so longed to bounce off the curve of my lips. I almost couldn’t tell you that the reason why I no longer speak loudly is because, when we met, I thought you hated the volume I carried in my speech. I never said that the reason why my voice shakes when I tell you I love you isn’t because you’ve ever laid a hand on me, nor because we both know you never could, but because I don’t know if I’m lying to you or not. I don’t know if I love you because I don’t know if I love me and if I don’t love me then who is it that you are loving? If I’m not me when I’m around you, then who is this person you have fallen in love with? Who is the person I have fallen in love with? Because if I’m not me when I’m with you, are you yourself when you are with me? I never asked you this because I feel you are true and I am not. It’s as if I am cheating on you. I am lying to you about who I am because I’m scared that you could never love me.

I don’t tell you that when I’m with my friends I am the loudest of the group. I yell over everyone because no one is actually listening. I speak in rhymes because no matter what I say, nobody actually cares. I hold my tongue when it comes to fights and I don’t share my opinions because I don’t think it’s worth the anger. I eat four or five slices of pizza and drink beer, I play Cards Against Humanity and win almost every round because I have the dirtiest and the funniest mind out of everyone, and I don’t care about wearing makeup in front of my friends because they don’t actually care what I look like. When I’m with you, I eat salads and drink champagne. I don’t play games and I dress up every time I see you, lining my lips and making sure the curves of my body are shown through my dress. I don’t hold my tongue and I let you know when you are wrong. I keep a soft tone so I’m not overwhelming you, but you told me you like a girl with an opinion so I give you one. You like it when I dress up and when we go out to fancy dinners and when we walk underneath the stars and I’m not saying I don’t enjoy those things. Sometimes. Sometimes I like to dress up, but most of the time I like to wear sweatpants and sports bras. Sometimes I like to drink champagne and sometimes I like to drink tequila. Sometimes I like to tell you I love you because in the moment I mean it, but then I remember that I am lying to you about half of who I am and I remember that you might be lying to me about half of who you are.

The mirror has been replaced with her lover and she has slowly turned and faced the audience, while he watches her from the side. He begins to act out what she is saying as she speaks. She does not pay attention to him, as if he is only in her head. 

Sometimes I hold your hand and it feels like it’s right. The curve of your palm matches the curve of mine and the tips of your fingers are warm and welcoming against my cold skin. Our intertwined hands hold onto each other like letting go could kill us both and in that moment it feels like it is right. Then you let go and I feel like I can never hold onto you again because if I did it would mean that I would have to lie again. And when we kiss, it’s the most intimate and amazing experience I will ever have, with each time getting better and better. The way your lips fit with mine is like a wave in the ocean, going in and crashing your love into mine The way you place your hand on my lower back, but not going any further to make sure you are being respectful, is a lasting feeling I can never forget. It’s like a child holding onto its mother, afraid of letting go. And the way our bodies mesh together binds us and makes us one. When we kiss we move together, mirroring one another’s actions. We play the same game, at the same time, with the same idea and the same moves. We are one another and it is beautiful. But you don’t know me beyond my physical appearance. I become a mere trophy when I am with you.

Her lover walks away and the mirror replaces him. She begins to speak to it once again.

You don’t know who I am away from you and I don’t know if I want you to. I don’t even know if you want you to. I can’t tell you about my extreme volume, or my lazy days away from you, or my dirty mind, or my hearty appetite, or anything because I don’t think you’ll love me anymore. And for that I don’t know if I can keep loving you, but I hope to God you let me try,  because I really, really want to.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s